The Power of What’s Caught Over What’s Taught: Positive Self-Talk for Tweens

If you’re anything like me, you hear things over and over, in various ways, but they don’t always stick until you hear them in just the right way. That moment happened for me when I heard this:

For children, the most powerful thing is not what’s taught – it’s what’s caught.

Again, if you’re anything like me, you might find yourself reflecting on this statement, thinking back on your own childhood or even your current parenting journey.

As parents, we intentionally teach our kids many things: how to play a sport or a musical instrument, how to take care of the house, how to be polite and use manners, how to speak confidently with adults, and how to balance homework with chores.

But just as often, we unintentionally teach our kids just as much – if not more.

Children absorb everything around them – our body language, attitudes, and behaviors – shaping their view of how to act in the world.

While we usually remember the lessons our parents taught us, it often takes becoming adults ourselves to realize what we “caught” from them along the way.

This realization becomes crucial when we don’t want to pass along negative habits or behaviors.

When I heard, “For children, the most powerful thing is not what’s taught – it’s what’s caught,” I immediately thought about positive self-talk.

Positive self-talk is a key focus in the BaseCamp Girl program. It’s highlighted in the second video and revisited throughout. We can tell (or teach) our tweens the importance of practicing positive self-talk – how essential it is for them to speak kindly to themselves. But what happens when they hear us criticizing our own appearance or doubting ourselves?

Maybe your tween hears you say, “I’ll never measure up,” or “I just can’t compete at work,” and suddenly, all your lessons about positive self-talk don’t seem so valuable anymore.

Or perhaps you forget to do something, and in your apology, you say, “I’m so dumb.” In that moment, your credibility about positive self-talk is gone.

In these examples, what left a stronger impression on your tween – the lesson you taught her about self-talk, or the fact that she “caught” you not practicing what you preach?

We both know the answer.

Most of us, at some point in our parenting journeys, have been “caught” not walking the talk. We’re human, after all, and sometimes we genuinely feel insecure about our appearance or performance, or we beat ourselves up for forgetting something.

But here’s the key: we have to check ourselves! How can we expect our tweens to practice positive self-talk if we don’t?

Your tween is old enough to be your accountability partner. If you hear her using negative self-talk, gently remind her to reframe her thoughts in a positive way. And guess what? She can do the same for you! The BaseCamp Girl program’s PDF worksheets offer practice in transforming negative self-talk into positive affirmations.

Here’s an example:

Negative Self-talk: Nobody likes me. I’m not worth being anybody’s friend.

Reframed Positive Thought: I’m a great friend! I have fun ideas and I’m kind. I can focus on being myself and making good friendships.

The key word here is practice. Like any skill, practicing positive self-talk can become a habit. And you can do it – you’ve got this!